"I got life."

Nina Simone was constantly trying to save herself. After watching documentaries and intently listening to her songs, it is clear that no one knew Simone better than herself. When I say this, I also mean that she knew who she was not. Nothing disappointed her more deeply than when her truth was neglected. And so it is important to link the trajectory of her life to her music. 

For a long time, music was nothing but a job. In the early 1950's, she had little say in where to take her piano-playing. Being a black woman, the social conditions of her life pushed her into directions she may not have otherwise wanted to pursue. After many rejections from prestigious music schools, she started singing to make a living. This was a tumultuous time. Nina Simone recognized her talents, but they were all consuming. It really made me consider how her music was all that she had. It was a small taste of freedom. Sometimes so powerful that life outside of it, other than it, became unfamiliar to her. In this unfamiliarity also lay the inability to see that she had a right to live, she had a right to feeling free even in the absence of music. The years of her marriage were especially difficult. If one reflects on it, this was the time when she felt most caged. Her emotionality became a commodity to sell. No one saw that it spoke of her as a person. That she was also singing about and for herself: "Please don't treat me so doggone mean."

Without a purpose, even music can lose its melody. Nina Simone says of her involvement in the civil rights movement: “I was needed and I could sing something to help my people. That became the mainstay of my life.” This was a decision she made without hesitation. This assertion of choice was liberating for her. A sense of person-hood came out of it. More than this, she started feeling less alone. She was around people who believed in the same things as her; they kept her afloat. She was part of a community, and her music took a course that felt natural. But as the deaths of civil rights leaders piled up, a certain hopelessness took over her. It is important to note here that her music continued to give hope to other people. That is, she kept giving without getting anything in return.

When I watch Simone sing, her eyes are always searching. So many moments in her life forced her to bury who she wanted to be. More than anything, she yearned to be at peace with herself. Despite being a big figure in the music industry, no one truly knew her. When she recalls her time in Liberia, it is always described as complete happiness. This was partly because she didn’t have to do “anything but enjoy” herself. This included a break from singing. I think her music became too much for her. She was fleeing from pain, but only until the bills needed paying again. And so in the 1970's she went on to perform at the Montreux Jazz Festival and before starting said, “I hope that you will see me…in another sphere.” Later, in light of her debilitating mental health, people close to her, especially her friend Al Shackman started taking care of her. There was love in her life again. She was being paid attention to even when she was not shining. I think this is where she realized she did not need to find reasons to live; she wanted life. And she did not need to hold on to music as a refuge from fear, but instead could see it as a place of joy.

I feel it is important to write about these turning points because her music is more than just sound. She was a woman, she was black and she was full of sentiment (of all kind). Everything external to the stage affected all that she brought to it. I think it is worth knowing where music is truly coming from. Nina Simone’s life was not perfect and nor was she a saint, but it is out of her trying to be better that the songs emerge. Music makes the inexpressible communicable. But it is worth questioning why something has been made inexpressible in the first place. Eunice Waymon, her birth name, must also be known.